


A Boy Like Me's So Irresponsible

by Mettaton_Ex



Series: The Asshole!John AU [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: As in not actually part of the main storyline, Asshole!John, I might make this AU into a multichapter, M/M, Poor John, series divergent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:42:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2282214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mettaton_Ex/pseuds/Mettaton_Ex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You wished you weren't such a coward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Boy Like Me's So Irresponsible

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sister fic to Hate Is A Strong Word!
> 
> Also, I messed up.  
> I might be writing this AU into a multi chapter story.  
> Might.  
> Might meaning I am. I am doing that. 
> 
> So stay tuned for that, I guess!

He thought you didn't know. But that's stupid, how couldn't you? Dave wasn't as big an expert at hiding his feelings as he thought he was, and you weren't as naive as he thought you were.  
His eyelids flickered gently as he slept beside you, pale bangs tossed in front of his face and parted lips breathing in, out. When you did things like this, you were more often than not the one who fell asleep first. But for once, you were wide awake. Bothered by your thoughts, no doubt.

You couldn't keep doing this. This thing, with Dave. You were going to college, you were growing up, but you couldn’t keep it simple secret forever.

Sometimes, you entertained the idea that maybe you didn't want it to be secret, and perhaps being with Dave properly, with the gentleness of a real relationship would be better than the empty, sad feeling you felt every time you had to part with your best friend and pretend he was just that--your best friend.  
Then you remembered that no, you're not gay! Don't be ridiculous!

But tell that to the guy you fucked just about every weekend.

You sighed and moved your hand up, to push his bangs away from his face and you smiled. He was beautiful, really. And despite the latent screeches of 'no homo, bro!' in the back of your mind, you ignored them to cup his face, trying to count the freckles. Your thumb brushed over a cluster of them, and Dave shifted, making a sound close to a gasp but more like a sigh. You froze, drawing your hand away ever so slowly, in case he was awake. Because, how would you explain this to him?

_'Yeah, no homo man but I think you're perfect.'_

_'I'm not gay or anything but I think I'm in love with you.'_

You think you're in love with him. It was less of a revelation than you thought it was, more of a sudden, deep understanding of why you kept at this for so long.

You suppose, in a way, you've always loved him.  
The weirdest ache that you felt whenever you looked at Dave, for as long as you could remember. The ache you tried to smother with girls, with alcohol, with this stupid ‘friends with benefits’ thing you had together.

But that was another thing altogether. You shouldn't have kissed him that night. You were drunk, you were lonely. If only Vriska hadn't broken up with you.  
No, no that wasn't it.  
You wanted to kiss Dave, you remembered. You wanted him to touch you like he did. What you didn't want to do was propose this 'friends with benefits' bullshit. You could have just left it, so it meant something. But now it's only love masked by desire.  
Because you knew he thought you were just using him.

And maybe you were.

You shifted closer to him, draping your arm over him and burying a kiss into his hair.  
In a couple of days, you’d be leaving for different colleges. He’d be going back to Texas to study, and you’d be staying here, in Washington. You didn’t say so, but it was like you were trying to show him how much he meant to you, through actions rather than words.  
You were never good at saying what was on your mind.

The chances were, you’d try to forget him. And maybe it’d work! Perhaps you’d find a girl, fall in love, and settle down.  
And maybe Dave would find someone, too. You hoped so. You hated the idea of him being alone.  
It hurt you to think about, but you couldn’t imagine how shit it must have been for him.

God, you suck. You suck so much. You wished you could just tell him, rather than show him through the hickeys lining his neck and chest and stomach, and the silken touches to every part of him. Because, sometimes that wasn’t enough.

You wished you weren’t such a fucking coward. But you knew, by the time you worked up any courage, it’d be too late. You really, really hate yourself, sometimes.  
And you know Dave hates you too.

Maybe you deserve it.


End file.
